Posts
(And money, too.)
I wrote "Heads Up, Dim Sum" for Fixi anthology. Didn't make it. A little disappointed but I wasn't really expecting anything; there are so many dedicated and talented local writers out there.
More importantly, I had my fair share of reward in the process of writing : I found another piece of jigsaw puzzle about myself.
My tendency to include the issue of consent in sexual intercourse (rape would be a simpler term but I don't think the word itself is sufficient to highlight the topic that really bothers me. Not that rape doesn't; it is just that I am more concerned of this depressing gray area in law called consent) and prostitution. How romance made their way into my writing, even though I rarely see myself as a romantic soul.
More importantly, my desire to voice out for the oppressed.
(when I am not writing sarcastic nonsense purely for my own pleasure.)
A novelist and mentor once asked me : Why, Shin, why do you write? What is your discourse?
The crying voices that we hear, the anger that could not be properly channeled, the murderous melancholy.
Do you hear the people sing? They are singing the songs of angry men.
*
Two guns aimed at my abdomen.
Yen was right. We should have stayed in Kunak.
She told me we were doing fine in Kunak, that our Tilapia fish feeding business was going great.
However, when I received a proposed partnership to expand business in Ipoh to create 36 integrated farms on a 100 acres area, I lost my mind.
During our second month in Ipoh, Yen and I were still busy unpacking. So many stuff, so little time. One Friday when we were unpacking as usual, Yen and I stopped abruptly and collapsed onto the bed together, letting the mattress absorb our heavy flow of tired sweat. We looked in the eyes and smiled; there was no need for words. My lips conveyed gratitude to her welcoming lips, my hands loved every inch of her hardworking body appreciatively, my hot steel rose despite weariness.
With all the excitement and new environment, we had been having sleeping problems since relocation. That night, however, both of us slept like our daughter, Bee Bee. I even dreamed of becoming a pirate of a golden ship. The golden ship suddenly turned into a giant alarm clock and started barking. I tried to silence it but my attempt was unsuccessful.
It took me some time to realize that I wasn’t dreaming of dog barking. The dogs were really barking. It wasn’t the usual long, rhythmic stanzas that us Chinese regarded as “how dogs bark when they encountered ghosts”. It was brief and explosive, low pitched and harsh, as if they were trying to tell us to “run fo your life! It is getting dangerous here and I could not hold the fort any longer!”
As I opened the door, I wondered what could have frightened these tough black Doberman Pinscher and brown Belgian Malinois who had the ability to scare intruders off with just their appearances.
Two guns aimed at my abdomen.
*
Jun always laughed when I said “I have a hunch that...”
He never believed in my hunches. They were not scientific, he said.
That night, that Friday night, I had a hunch that something terrible was going to happen. I felt like I was back in primary school when my classmates were happily chatting away, and suddenly I quieted. The next moment, the principal entered the classroom with a cane.
Only, it was much more intense now.
A part of me wanted to stay safe in the locked room. Another part of me refused to die as a coward. Then I remembered Bee Bee and the thought of her gave me courage.
I couldn’t let anything happen to Bee Bee, I thought. I couldn’t let anything happen to Bee Bee, I unlocked the door. I couldn’t let anything happen to Bee Bee, I walked out of the room. I couldn’t let anything -
I rushed back into the room again when I noticed four men surrounding Jun, two of them aiming guns at his abdomen, my heartbeat racing fast.
There was a moment of silence. I wondered if I should dash out. I wondered who should I rescue - Jun or Bee Bee - if I did manage to muster enough courage to dash out. I wondered if I was safe behind this locked door - I saw guns - I’ve never seen guns before. I wondered if I should escape through the window.
“Don’t disturb them, I will follow you,” Jun broke the deadly silence. His voice was surprisingly calm, to me at least. Maybe my heart was beating too loudly to hear his quiver. I couldn’t hear what those four men said either, but I knew they must have said something, for I heard voices that did not belong to Jun.
I heard them knocking on my door, too. Loud, thunderous, pounding rap that threatened to cause the wedding photo on the wall to fall and shatter. My breathing stopped. Welled up tears froze in my eyes and I tried to stop my heart from beating, while praying for Bee Bee not to cry at this moment, for I noticed her turning in her sleep.
Save me, Amitabha. Save us, Jesus Christ. Save us all, Ya Allah. I prayed to all the Gods I knew, and I didn’t stop praying until I heard the sounds of boat engines which indicated that they had left our area.
I tip-toed out of the room. Everything looked the same: the unpacked packages remained unpacked, the furniture were not moved, the romantic snow globe was still next to the TV.
Bee Bee woke up with a yawn. She ran all around the house before stopping in front of me.
“Where’s daddy? He promised to bring me to the beach today.”
“Daddy needs to go to work today,” I pat her head with more pressure than usual, went to the toilet and let my tears flowed out with my urine until I was calm enough to call Chee Wah, Jun’s business partner for help.
*
I wondered if I should abandon ship. That was what my worker, Azlan did. The kidnappers cursed and swore but they made no attempt to catch him back as he swam away.
However, I dared not. Partly because I was afraid that I would die, but that was not the main reason : the kidnappers might kill me anyway, it was just a matter of when.
I was more worried that they might kill Yen and Bee Bee if I tried to escape. Azlan was single but I wasn’t, and the kidnappers had told me that they would leave my family unharmed only if I follow them. Which I did, and they had kept their words.
So had I. So far.
It is better for one to be killed than to risk two lives so that one has a fifty per cent chance of surviving, even though I really didn’t want to be tortured to death.
Where would they take me? What would they do to me?
I remembered reading in newspaper. Abu Sayap or something. Some foreign gangsters that kidnap people for ransom.
I couldn’t believe that that was happening to me. I had often distanced myself from what was happening in newspapers as if those were news from a different world that coincidentally happened to be similar to the world I was living in. I suppose that was the way my mind coped with something as depressing as newspapers.
I must be dreaming. Surely this newspapers shield could not be broken.
*
I didn’t see Azlan being kidnapped, but through the window I saw him returning. He was running, panting, breathless. He was alone. I was going to bombard him with questions but at the same time my phone rang. For a moment I was walking back and forth, from the door to the phone and from the phone to the door, for I could not make up my mind.
Until I accidentally knocked over the phone and it fell to the ground with a heavy thud and I just had to pick it up and answer it.
“Your husband is with me.”
I couldn’t think of an answer. All that I could do was to sob, but the kidnapper seemed to be expecting that anyway.
“12 million if you want to see him again. Alive.”
With that, the conversation ended.
“I don’t have 12 million!” I screamed into the phone when what I heard finally registered in my mind. I was forced to accept the fact that there was nobody on the other end after a long moment of silence.
*
Yen’s sobbing had transformed into daggers that pierced through my heart. If only I could grab the phone I would tell her that I am fine, but I could only managed a “hmph” through my taped mouth, accompanied by the rattling of the shackles on my wrists and ankles.
“12 million if you want to see him again. Alive.”
One of the kidnappers locked eyes with me as he said that and I felt cold even though I was sweating profusely.
He was practically killing me. Soon, I would be killed for real.
It was just a matter of when and how.
The kidnappers left me alone in the hut, chained. Whenever I thought I couldn’t go on anymore, someone came in, bringing me food. Sometimes, I got to eat fish and rice. Most of the time, however, it was just tapioca, and nothing else.
I lost track of how many times the sun rose and went down. Through the gaps between the bamboo shoots I could catch glimpses of sunlight, followed by moonlight, occasionally starlight, and sunlight again. I remembered driving Yen around Kunak looking for the perfect stargazing spot. That was before we got married. I was still courting her back then. We kissed under the starry night on a carpet of grass. I had no idea that I could be so romantic but Yen brought out a side of me that I never knew existed.
We used to have sex at all Kunak beaches. Why did we stop doing that after we got married?
I was drenched, dried and drenched again. Rain and sun, hot and cold, who would have thought that I could recover from flu without any pills? Who would have thought that life could be so short and unpredictable?
I miss you, Yen. Have I told you that I love you?
*
I wondered if I should cover up hell notes with real money on top.
I wanted to smash everything in the house and scream but I couldn’t. Chee Wah, my parents and my friends borrowed me money but it didn’t even total up to 1 million.
I wished I hadn’t sold my gold necklaces for Jun’s business. That way, I would have more money now. That way, I wouldn’t even need these money now.
The kidnappers told me I have three more weeks to come up with 12 million. If I couldn’t, they would send me Jun’s head. I begged them for more time. They told me to get the money from my government before slamming down the phone.
Maybe they were joking when they suggested that but I took it seriously. I spoke to 22 Members of Parliament. 20 had not replied. 1 said he was doing his best to help me. 1 refused to help me on the grounds of “this is a bad precedent that will open the floodgate”.
I had been dreaming of Jun’s head ever since then. I was selling my breasts and vagina to that 22 Members of Parliament for help and random strangers for money in my dreams. There was a huge, broken hourglass on top of me which contained Jun’s heads instead of colored sand. Each time I wanted to refuse a customer because I couldn’t stand the rawness and pain, more of Jun’s heads would roll down and hit my face, covering my face with blood. I woke up each night to wipe the blood off my face only to discover that I was crying and sweating.
*
The kidnappers allowed me to walk at the beach. I was chained, there were two men in front of me and two more pointing guns at me from behind, but at least I got to be out of the hut for the first time since I was kidnapped.
I had no idea where I was but it was a beautiful place. The sand was white, fine and soft. The sea was clear blue and I could smell sea salt in the wind. I remembered the last thing that I promised Bee Bee was to take her to the beach.
She would love it here. We could fly kites, build sandcastles, collect seashells and watch hermit crabs. Yen could read Nicholas Sparks and guard our belongings while we have fun.
I want to see Yen and Bee Bee again.
I was taken back to the hut where, to my surprise, there were plates of Dim Sum waiting for me. I looked at the armed men in delight but they left me without a glance. Didn’t matter. I wolfed down the pork and shrimp dumplings, followed by fish balls. Oh, so elastic and juicy, just like the ones I had with Yen and my parents-in-law.
The yam puff was crispier than the ones in my memory - either that, or I was really hungry. The flaky pastry crumbled and fell onto the dirty ground but I picked them up and threw them into my mouth anyway. Who knows? This might be the last dim sum for me. I couldn’t afford to waste anything.
Bee Bee used to waste food whenever we took her for Dim Sum breakfast. She would bite the prawn dumplings into halves, scoop out the prawn for consumption and leave the translucent pastry on her plate. I would eat those for her, earning me a nickname among my family : the filial daddy.
‘There was a movie about barbecue pork bun made from human flesh. Those were the days when people did not have enough food to eat and they had to kill their friends to survive. So don’t waste food unless you want others to turn you into food,’ I used to lecture her with a joke. She would just blink and laugh while continuing eating the prawns, leaving the tasteless pastry for me.
I then vomited abruptly when I noticed a finger in my yam puff. When I realized it still had Bee Bee’s pink Barbie toy ring on it, I passed out.
I woke up much later to realize that it was a nightmare, and there was nothing around me except cold tapioca.
*
Am I dreaming?
It had been 176 days since Jun was kidnapped. I heard his voice once on 74th day. He said “I’m fine” but he didn’t sound okay at all. The kidnapper took over the phone conversation after that to remind me of our bread-or-head deal.
I stopped reading the newspapers, nor did I have to, for friends and family called me all the time, updating me of what was written in the papers, asking me what was the progress, telling me to be strong.
The newspapers was all about Jun. How the government was in the middle of negotiation with the kidnappers, how the police refused to tell the journalists if any demand for ransom was made, how Azlan escaped, how they thought I ought to feel, what the experts thought of the state of our national security and other nonsense that I did not care about.
Jun used to tell me that newspapers reading is depressing. I disagree as I only read horoscope and comic back then.
Am I dreaming?
176 days after Jun was kidnapped, the government told me that they had successfully gotten him back to Kunak.
I thought of how my friends told me I would get straight A before PMR result was announced. That excited me and got my hopes going up, causing me to repeatedly tell myself to calm down so I would not be overly disappointed when I saw a B on my result slip.
What if Jun returned in a coffin? Would Jun return in a coffin? What would I do if Jun was returned in a coffin?
I asked my neighbor to take care of Bee Bee for the day. I told Bee Bee that her father was coming home from business and I was going to fetch him at the airport. Bee Bee nodded happily and only went to neighbor’s house with me after I took out her swimsuit and placed it neatly on her bed.
Sandakan police station was not very huge, and it was even smaller now with reporters from various newspapers.
Flashing cameras blinded me but when Jun arrived - alive - at the station with two policemen, I could see every bruise and wound on his body as if they were magnified. I saw the shackling marks around his ankles under his torn pants. His lips were chapped, his eyes were red and his face was sunken. His pupils had turned gray like a dead fish, but when they saw me, they lit up in recognition and we ran towards each other, crying, laughing, shouting, hugging tightly.
There is no place like home. We are going home.
Yen was right. We should have stayed in Kunak.
She told me we were doing fine in Kunak, that our Tilapia fish feeding business was going great.
However, when I received a proposed partnership to expand business in Ipoh to create 36 integrated farms on a 100 acres area, I lost my mind.
During our second month in Ipoh, Yen and I were still busy unpacking. So many stuff, so little time. One Friday when we were unpacking as usual, Yen and I stopped abruptly and collapsed onto the bed together, letting the mattress absorb our heavy flow of tired sweat. We looked in the eyes and smiled; there was no need for words. My lips conveyed gratitude to her welcoming lips, my hands loved every inch of her hardworking body appreciatively, my hot steel rose despite weariness.
With all the excitement and new environment, we had been having sleeping problems since relocation. That night, however, both of us slept like our daughter, Bee Bee. I even dreamed of becoming a pirate of a golden ship. The golden ship suddenly turned into a giant alarm clock and started barking. I tried to silence it but my attempt was unsuccessful.
It took me some time to realize that I wasn’t dreaming of dog barking. The dogs were really barking. It wasn’t the usual long, rhythmic stanzas that us Chinese regarded as “how dogs bark when they encountered ghosts”. It was brief and explosive, low pitched and harsh, as if they were trying to tell us to “run fo your life! It is getting dangerous here and I could not hold the fort any longer!”
As I opened the door, I wondered what could have frightened these tough black Doberman Pinscher and brown Belgian Malinois who had the ability to scare intruders off with just their appearances.
Two guns aimed at my abdomen.
*
Jun always laughed when I said “I have a hunch that...”
He never believed in my hunches. They were not scientific, he said.
That night, that Friday night, I had a hunch that something terrible was going to happen. I felt like I was back in primary school when my classmates were happily chatting away, and suddenly I quieted. The next moment, the principal entered the classroom with a cane.
Only, it was much more intense now.
A part of me wanted to stay safe in the locked room. Another part of me refused to die as a coward. Then I remembered Bee Bee and the thought of her gave me courage.
I couldn’t let anything happen to Bee Bee, I thought. I couldn’t let anything happen to Bee Bee, I unlocked the door. I couldn’t let anything happen to Bee Bee, I walked out of the room. I couldn’t let anything -
I rushed back into the room again when I noticed four men surrounding Jun, two of them aiming guns at his abdomen, my heartbeat racing fast.
There was a moment of silence. I wondered if I should dash out. I wondered who should I rescue - Jun or Bee Bee - if I did manage to muster enough courage to dash out. I wondered if I was safe behind this locked door - I saw guns - I’ve never seen guns before. I wondered if I should escape through the window.
“Don’t disturb them, I will follow you,” Jun broke the deadly silence. His voice was surprisingly calm, to me at least. Maybe my heart was beating too loudly to hear his quiver. I couldn’t hear what those four men said either, but I knew they must have said something, for I heard voices that did not belong to Jun.
I heard them knocking on my door, too. Loud, thunderous, pounding rap that threatened to cause the wedding photo on the wall to fall and shatter. My breathing stopped. Welled up tears froze in my eyes and I tried to stop my heart from beating, while praying for Bee Bee not to cry at this moment, for I noticed her turning in her sleep.
Save me, Amitabha. Save us, Jesus Christ. Save us all, Ya Allah. I prayed to all the Gods I knew, and I didn’t stop praying until I heard the sounds of boat engines which indicated that they had left our area.
I tip-toed out of the room. Everything looked the same: the unpacked packages remained unpacked, the furniture were not moved, the romantic snow globe was still next to the TV.
Bee Bee woke up with a yawn. She ran all around the house before stopping in front of me.
“Where’s daddy? He promised to bring me to the beach today.”
“Daddy needs to go to work today,” I pat her head with more pressure than usual, went to the toilet and let my tears flowed out with my urine until I was calm enough to call Chee Wah, Jun’s business partner for help.
*
I wondered if I should abandon ship. That was what my worker, Azlan did. The kidnappers cursed and swore but they made no attempt to catch him back as he swam away.
However, I dared not. Partly because I was afraid that I would die, but that was not the main reason : the kidnappers might kill me anyway, it was just a matter of when.
I was more worried that they might kill Yen and Bee Bee if I tried to escape. Azlan was single but I wasn’t, and the kidnappers had told me that they would leave my family unharmed only if I follow them. Which I did, and they had kept their words.
So had I. So far.
It is better for one to be killed than to risk two lives so that one has a fifty per cent chance of surviving, even though I really didn’t want to be tortured to death.
Where would they take me? What would they do to me?
I remembered reading in newspaper. Abu Sayap or something. Some foreign gangsters that kidnap people for ransom.
I couldn’t believe that that was happening to me. I had often distanced myself from what was happening in newspapers as if those were news from a different world that coincidentally happened to be similar to the world I was living in. I suppose that was the way my mind coped with something as depressing as newspapers.
I must be dreaming. Surely this newspapers shield could not be broken.
*
I didn’t see Azlan being kidnapped, but through the window I saw him returning. He was running, panting, breathless. He was alone. I was going to bombard him with questions but at the same time my phone rang. For a moment I was walking back and forth, from the door to the phone and from the phone to the door, for I could not make up my mind.
Until I accidentally knocked over the phone and it fell to the ground with a heavy thud and I just had to pick it up and answer it.
“Your husband is with me.”
I couldn’t think of an answer. All that I could do was to sob, but the kidnapper seemed to be expecting that anyway.
“12 million if you want to see him again. Alive.”
With that, the conversation ended.
“I don’t have 12 million!” I screamed into the phone when what I heard finally registered in my mind. I was forced to accept the fact that there was nobody on the other end after a long moment of silence.
*
Yen’s sobbing had transformed into daggers that pierced through my heart. If only I could grab the phone I would tell her that I am fine, but I could only managed a “hmph” through my taped mouth, accompanied by the rattling of the shackles on my wrists and ankles.
“12 million if you want to see him again. Alive.”
One of the kidnappers locked eyes with me as he said that and I felt cold even though I was sweating profusely.
He was practically killing me. Soon, I would be killed for real.
It was just a matter of when and how.
The kidnappers left me alone in the hut, chained. Whenever I thought I couldn’t go on anymore, someone came in, bringing me food. Sometimes, I got to eat fish and rice. Most of the time, however, it was just tapioca, and nothing else.
I lost track of how many times the sun rose and went down. Through the gaps between the bamboo shoots I could catch glimpses of sunlight, followed by moonlight, occasionally starlight, and sunlight again. I remembered driving Yen around Kunak looking for the perfect stargazing spot. That was before we got married. I was still courting her back then. We kissed under the starry night on a carpet of grass. I had no idea that I could be so romantic but Yen brought out a side of me that I never knew existed.
We used to have sex at all Kunak beaches. Why did we stop doing that after we got married?
I was drenched, dried and drenched again. Rain and sun, hot and cold, who would have thought that I could recover from flu without any pills? Who would have thought that life could be so short and unpredictable?
I miss you, Yen. Have I told you that I love you?
*
I wondered if I should cover up hell notes with real money on top.
I wanted to smash everything in the house and scream but I couldn’t. Chee Wah, my parents and my friends borrowed me money but it didn’t even total up to 1 million.
I wished I hadn’t sold my gold necklaces for Jun’s business. That way, I would have more money now. That way, I wouldn’t even need these money now.
The kidnappers told me I have three more weeks to come up with 12 million. If I couldn’t, they would send me Jun’s head. I begged them for more time. They told me to get the money from my government before slamming down the phone.
Maybe they were joking when they suggested that but I took it seriously. I spoke to 22 Members of Parliament. 20 had not replied. 1 said he was doing his best to help me. 1 refused to help me on the grounds of “this is a bad precedent that will open the floodgate”.
I had been dreaming of Jun’s head ever since then. I was selling my breasts and vagina to that 22 Members of Parliament for help and random strangers for money in my dreams. There was a huge, broken hourglass on top of me which contained Jun’s heads instead of colored sand. Each time I wanted to refuse a customer because I couldn’t stand the rawness and pain, more of Jun’s heads would roll down and hit my face, covering my face with blood. I woke up each night to wipe the blood off my face only to discover that I was crying and sweating.
*
The kidnappers allowed me to walk at the beach. I was chained, there were two men in front of me and two more pointing guns at me from behind, but at least I got to be out of the hut for the first time since I was kidnapped.
I had no idea where I was but it was a beautiful place. The sand was white, fine and soft. The sea was clear blue and I could smell sea salt in the wind. I remembered the last thing that I promised Bee Bee was to take her to the beach.
She would love it here. We could fly kites, build sandcastles, collect seashells and watch hermit crabs. Yen could read Nicholas Sparks and guard our belongings while we have fun.
I want to see Yen and Bee Bee again.
I was taken back to the hut where, to my surprise, there were plates of Dim Sum waiting for me. I looked at the armed men in delight but they left me without a glance. Didn’t matter. I wolfed down the pork and shrimp dumplings, followed by fish balls. Oh, so elastic and juicy, just like the ones I had with Yen and my parents-in-law.
The yam puff was crispier than the ones in my memory - either that, or I was really hungry. The flaky pastry crumbled and fell onto the dirty ground but I picked them up and threw them into my mouth anyway. Who knows? This might be the last dim sum for me. I couldn’t afford to waste anything.
Bee Bee used to waste food whenever we took her for Dim Sum breakfast. She would bite the prawn dumplings into halves, scoop out the prawn for consumption and leave the translucent pastry on her plate. I would eat those for her, earning me a nickname among my family : the filial daddy.
‘There was a movie about barbecue pork bun made from human flesh. Those were the days when people did not have enough food to eat and they had to kill their friends to survive. So don’t waste food unless you want others to turn you into food,’ I used to lecture her with a joke. She would just blink and laugh while continuing eating the prawns, leaving the tasteless pastry for me.
I then vomited abruptly when I noticed a finger in my yam puff. When I realized it still had Bee Bee’s pink Barbie toy ring on it, I passed out.
I woke up much later to realize that it was a nightmare, and there was nothing around me except cold tapioca.
*
Am I dreaming?
It had been 176 days since Jun was kidnapped. I heard his voice once on 74th day. He said “I’m fine” but he didn’t sound okay at all. The kidnapper took over the phone conversation after that to remind me of our bread-or-head deal.
I stopped reading the newspapers, nor did I have to, for friends and family called me all the time, updating me of what was written in the papers, asking me what was the progress, telling me to be strong.
The newspapers was all about Jun. How the government was in the middle of negotiation with the kidnappers, how the police refused to tell the journalists if any demand for ransom was made, how Azlan escaped, how they thought I ought to feel, what the experts thought of the state of our national security and other nonsense that I did not care about.
Jun used to tell me that newspapers reading is depressing. I disagree as I only read horoscope and comic back then.
Am I dreaming?
176 days after Jun was kidnapped, the government told me that they had successfully gotten him back to Kunak.
I thought of how my friends told me I would get straight A before PMR result was announced. That excited me and got my hopes going up, causing me to repeatedly tell myself to calm down so I would not be overly disappointed when I saw a B on my result slip.
What if Jun returned in a coffin? Would Jun return in a coffin? What would I do if Jun was returned in a coffin?
I asked my neighbor to take care of Bee Bee for the day. I told Bee Bee that her father was coming home from business and I was going to fetch him at the airport. Bee Bee nodded happily and only went to neighbor’s house with me after I took out her swimsuit and placed it neatly on her bed.
Sandakan police station was not very huge, and it was even smaller now with reporters from various newspapers.
Flashing cameras blinded me but when Jun arrived - alive - at the station with two policemen, I could see every bruise and wound on his body as if they were magnified. I saw the shackling marks around his ankles under his torn pants. His lips were chapped, his eyes were red and his face was sunken. His pupils had turned gray like a dead fish, but when they saw me, they lit up in recognition and we ran towards each other, crying, laughing, shouting, hugging tightly.
There is no place like home. We are going home.
