Posts
From the corner of my eye I saw Gustave walking towards me. Fast.
I continued reading newspapers while sipping coffee. Not an uncommon scene.
“Chester! I need help!”
“What is it this time? You found eyeballs in your sweet soup?”
His girlfriend probably asked him out for a Chinese meal and he thought the sesame glutinous rice balls were eyeballs.
Gustave had been residing in Malaysia for two years but somehow he still behaved like an alien at times. Sure, he could say “boleh boleh”, “tak boleh tahan lah” and “jom balik” in perfectly localised accent but he also got disgusted when we had something as normal as tomyam steamboat together, or wearing slacks that were too tight and too short for him because unfortunately, it was incredibly hard to find European size here, or talking to female colleagues as if he was trying to flirt with them, totally unaware of the cultural difference between European and Asian.
“Nah, I figured out that was something called tongue yen,” he replied, failing to notice my sarcasm as usual. “I need help to buy summer.”
“Buy summer?”
Eyes widened, I put down my cup of coffee at last.
“Yes. How do I buy summer in Malaysia?”
“You mean, you’ve bought summer in your country before?”
Gustave shook his head.
“What makes you think you can buy summer in Malaysia then?”
He shrugged nonchalantly.
“Everywhere I go, people always say Malaysia boleh. So I suppose everything is possible here.”
I can’t believe it is possible for a person so naive to exist.
“So, Chester. Where can I buy summer? Petaling Street? Brickfields?”
Life was getting a little boring. My wife prohibited me from drinking but I live to drink so I was feeling pretty dead.
I decided to humour him. Add spice to life, you know.
“Dude, you’re talking about summer, not fake Prada! Show summer some respect!” I pretended to look angry.
“Whoa Chester, chill, chill. I didn’t mean to offend you. Okay, so where can I buy summer?”
“Where? You should start with how!”
Gustave looked puzzled.
“How? What do you mean, how?”
I looked annoyed.
“You’re buying summer. You have to check with Malaysian Meteorological Department first, obviously.”
“Oh, I see! What’s next?” Gustave looked enlightened as he started scribbling on his writing pad.
I tried not to laugh.
“There are some forms you need to fill up. I don’t know which since I’ve never needed to buy summer before. You have to check with the department yourself.”
“Alright, I’ll check.”
“Oh, and I almost forgot! There’s a column in the form requiring you to choose eight countries from which you would like to buy summer from since we don’t have summer here.”
Gustave thought long and hard before he opened his mouth to speak again. Looking at him being so serious about the nonsense I had just made up was rather entertaining.
“I think I’ll choose Australia, Brazil, New Zealand, UK - “
I raised my hand to interrupt. I had absolutely no interest in what he was saying.
“I also forgot to ask you. Do you have the currency needed to buy summer?”
He looked at me as if my IQ was 50. I was delighted to know that he finally realised I was kidding.
“I’ve been staying here for quite some time. Of course I have Ringgit with me.”
He was dumber than I thought. I took a deep breath.
“Look. You’re buying summer. Ringgit won’t do. You need to buy summer with winter.”
Gustave looked disappointed.
“But I don’t have winter with me.”
“Then you won’t be able to buy summer.”
“How can I buy winter?”
“Same process as buying summer. But winter is a little special because most Malaysians have never seen snow in their lives, and the weather is super hot here - we want to stay in air-conditioned room all the time. You need to impress the department with something cold like ice cream truck or ice bucket so they are willing to consider your application. And the currency used to buy winter is summer.”
“But I don’t have summer!”
“Too bad, then.”
Gustave looked frustrated.
“This is ridiculous! It’s a vicious cycle! How can such impossible rules exist?”
“You said yourself. Malaysia boleh,” I sighed, both at his stupidity and at the way my country was capable of achieving the impossible. Not in a good way, of course. “Why do you want to buy summer anyway?”
“I saw a sundress that I wanted to buy for my girlfriend. I asked the seller for the price. I was going to buy it, but then I saw another sundress which was even more stunning than the first. So I asked for the price again, and the seller told me the price was summer.”
