What's Good for Skin? (For The Writer's Tower, April 2014, Theme : Ostrich Pee)

Once again I'm blogging, thanks to my writing buddy Joe Wai.

(No idea how long I can keep this going but it's a good start.)

No, actually it started with The Writer's Tower, a Facebook group dedicated for enthusiastic writers. Every month someone will come up with a theme, and all of us have to write something. A story, a poem, a haiku - there's no limit.

And how did I get to know The Writer's Tower?

It started with a yumcha session with my bestie. As usual we talked about everything, and that day we ended up talking about a friend she got to know at her church.

"This guy posts funny stuff on Facebook all the time," She told me while showing me his profile. I wasn't really interested at first because after all, it's our differences that brought us together in the first place.

I thought it'd probably be some jokes so complicated that only engineers, scientists and doctors can understand.

(My bestie is an engineer.)

However as I read on I realize she was right - this guy really is funny!

Being the Facebook stalker that I am I decided to add him. It's good to have something to laugh at when you log on to Facebook. Jokes help us stay positive no?

It's hard not to get cynical reading about MH370 all the time.

And on one boring day I discovered that he started this group called The Writer's Tower, which brought the writer in me (who had died for five years) back to life.

This is my first post on The Writer's Tower.

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Title : What’s Good for Skin?


Written for The Writer's Tower, April 2014


Theme : Ostrich Pee

175cm, 50kg, 34C, 24 inch waist, 34 inch hips, fair skin, big eyes, pouty lips with long smooth wavy hair, this modelling friend of mine - Ariel is no doubt a head turner - with or without makeup. With a successful modelling career, a seemingly happy marriage and a bunch of men who are dying just to be her slave, she is the envy of all girls and the sex fantasy of all men.

Correction : She is the envy of all girls and the sex fantasy of all men who do not know her personally.

John had complained about Ariel to me almost every time when we hang out at Movida.

"I wish I had married a fat, ugly, dark woman," he sighed.

I remained silent. I know what's coming. This conversation had repeated itself countless times that I can memorize it backwards.

"I think sex would be more enjoyable with an ugly chick," John would continue. I don't have to say a thing - all he needed is a listener. Somebody who can listen to him complaining about how Ariel would stop him from ejaculating because it is time for Ariel to take her beauty sleep, or to apply a hydrating mask, and how he had to resort to masturbating because Ariel would not have sex with her on certain days of the month because "having sex on these days is bad for my skin!", or how Ariel would not experiment on certain sexual poses that he had been dying to try because "it is bad for my posture, you are ruining my modelling career!"

As for us ladies, yes we do admire Ariel's beauty, but it had never been fun hanging out with Ariel.

"Oh my God it's 9.30pm already!" she would yell suddenly in the middle of our karaoke session. "I must go home and sleep. I don't want to have dark circles!"

And she'll never join us for cycling at Putrajaya or hiking at Broga because she can't bear the thought of getting dark.

She does not drink, she does not smoke, she does not eat desserts because they are too fattening, she dips pieces of barbequed meat into green tea so she would not be absorbing fats that she does not need.

But that's not all.

She will do anything - I mean anything - to stay beautiful.

Her latest obsession is ostrich meat.

"It's rich in iron, something which all ladies desperately need as we lose so much blood every month," she told us as she bit into ostrich burger. "It's also rich in protein which really helps us maintain our muscles, and the best of all, it is incredibly low in fat!"

Those of us who are adventurous when it comes to food gave it a try and they gave us an expression which clearly shows "I was so wrong to think that smelly tofu is the worst thing on Earth."

A month had passed since Ariel started her ostrich diet. Just when we thought she could not come up with something worse, she managed to exceed our expectations.

"It is not enough to eat ostrich meat," she said, as she swirled her wine glass (which we wrongly assumed it to contain champagne), "We have to drink ostrich pee as well."

We almost choked to death.

"That's ostrich pee in your glass?" Jessica asked in disbelief.

Ariel nodded as she took a sip from her glass. "Ostrich pee is highly nutritional. Although it has not been proven scientifically, I have reliable source of information telling me that ostrich pee contains plenty of collagen, which is very good for our skin. I am now applying ostrich pee mask daily to maximize the effect."

We almost died of disgust.

Another month passed and surprise surprise, instead of having baby smooth skin, Ariel actually had a breakout. Her skin was so unprecedentedly horrible. We couldn't help but to laugh when she's not around. Whoever her "reliable source of information" is, we thank him or her for giving us something to laugh at.

Oh, and isn't it human nature to feel good when we see something better than us is finally falling down? Hmm, the sense of satisfaction is so great, all of us are in such good mood that if we somehow drop dead instantly, we will have no regrets.

Surprisingly a month later Ariel's skin improved drastically. Her skin was super smooth - even smoother than before.

"I thought ostrich pee didn't work? What other secret ingredient are you using this time? Snail serum? Gold?" I was just too curious. I had to know.

"Oh, ostrich pee DID work," Ariel smiled mysteriously. "I misunderstood the meaning of ostrich pee. When my friend told me ostrich pee, I thought she meant ostrich pee literally. Turned out it wasn't. What was good for women's skin is actually peeing ostrich."

My eyes widened. "You mean fresh ostrich pee? As in, you consume it as the ostrich is peeing?"

Ariel's mysterious smile got even more mysterious. "My dear, you are so naive! Peeing ostrich is an erotic sexual position."

I can foresee that John will stop complaining about Ariel to me.